I used to think I was just a very moody, overly-sensitive type of person.
Somedays, I felt really down without really knowing why while other days I was just about to explode with energy, happiness, and motivation. In between, I had periods of normalcy but those never lasted very long. Constantly going up and down emotionally was exhausting but I just dealt with it. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me.
Several years later, I now know better and it’s like understanding the world in a whole new way.
Hi, my name is JT and I have Bipolar 2.
I wanted to start this blog as a way to talk about my experiences (with someone other than my fiance) and discuss how I cope with the disorder while also connecting with others that have been affected.
I’ve always been afraid to “put myself out there,” especially on the internet, but I’ve decided to try to break through that block and be brave for once. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not 100% there yet, as you can tell by my name, but this is a start. I tend to self-edit my thoughts all the time because I feel people just won’t understand and will judge me but I don’t want this to be the case here. I want to be open and my true self with you.
Who Am I?
A little background – I’m a 27-year-old woman living in Toronto, Canada and I work (worked?) in the financial services industry. I’m on leave right now due to worsening bipolar symptoms and I can’t even think about work right now. It just causes me to feel stress, shame, and guilt for taking the time off when all I want to do is get back to it and feel normal again.
Depression and anxiety run through my family as seen in my Mom and Sister, while my Brother has a few too many similarities to me causing me to suspect he’s dealing with untreated bipolar himself. My Dad’s also a pretty angry guy and it doesn’t help that we all walk on eggshells around him. There are a million stories right there but I don’t even know where to start so they’ll have to come up naturally or through questions left in the comments.
Overall, I would say my childhood was fine. I know of many others that had it way worse so who am I to complain? But, after talking about it during therapy, my therapist suggested I had dealt with a lot of trauma. Sure there was domestic violence, abuse, neglect, and alcoholism involved but I wouldn’t necessarily say it was the worst. I know how this sounds and I don’t know if I’m being delusional or if it just wasn’t that bad? My parents loved us and I know this. But – am I justifying bad behaviour that’s been normalized for me? Who knows.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 when I was 24 but I was feeling the symptoms from my early 20s. In the beginning, I wasn’t depressed as much but I certainly felt the highs. Now, it’s more of the opposite where I mostly feel depressed with some hypomanic episodes. I got help when I was at the worst I had ever been up to that point and was just a crying, incomprehensible mess. I had a total breakdown on my way to work that day and never made it into the building. I started taking medication right away and although they’re not perfect, they have helped tremendously in my recovery.
As you can see, I am a little random and all over the place sometimes so please bear with me, but I’ll try to keep it on point. There are just so many things I want to talk about (all at once sometimes!) but fear and overwhelm hold me back a lot. Fear of looking like an idiot and being judged, fear of failure, my lack of confidence… and the list goes on. Even though I know it’s irrational as I’m anonymous for now, I still feel it deeply in my heart and I’m trying to push through it.
Writing this first post took me way longer than it should have and was really difficult for me. I read and re-read everything several times and still don’t feel like it’s right but I logically know I have to post eventually or nothing will ever get done. I touched on a lot of topics in a very shallow way and will be delving in deeper to certain parts of my story in later posts. If there is something you want to know more about, please let me know in the comments and I’ll go more in depth. I’m just not normally comfortable talking about things but I know keeping it all in is unhealthy too. So, I’m trying.
This isn’t perfect, but I have to start somewhere.
I would love to get to know you better as well, so please drop a line in the comments or feel free to ask me questions. I would be happy to connect.
Have a good Sunday!