Wearing a Mask
If I keep showing the world my mask instead of who I really am, one day there won’t be anything left under the mask. Always trying to keep up with others’ perceptions of who they want me to be is not only incredibly draining, one day I will forget who I am. I’m learning to stop fearing judgement and just being myself. Inside, I know who I am and what my truth is.
Keeping Negative Company
I have the choice of surrounding myself with who I want. Recognizing that feeling of obligation I had towards people who were negative, draining and angry freed me from my own cycle of the the same feelings. Having Borderline Personality Disorder, I seem to catch others’ feelings really quickly, so if someone has a bad attitude, there was a 90% chance I’d be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Learning that I simply feel better by spending time with positive people has made a huge difference.
Letting Someone Else Take Control
The hardest thing is to discover who I really am. I have to put in the time and the mental effort to have specific dreams, goals, morals and values. These things don’t just come naturally to me like some people. I find that I have to really soul search and specify what they really mean to me. It’s so much easier to just follow someone else’s plan for you – whether it’s my parents, partner’s or friends’, it’s just a lot easier not to think for myself and to follow someone else’s plan. But – I’m the only one that knows what’s truly inside and what’s best for me and I can’t give up that responsibility to anyone else.
The longer I put something off, the worse I feel. I know I do this to myself and I have very black and white thinking. It’s a bad combination because the way I think is – either I did something, or I didn’t. I either failed, or succeeded. There are no grey areas with me or “in-betweens” and more often than not, I was a failure based on my standards. I’m still working on my procrastination but I have significantly improved on this using the Pomodoro Method – even I can work on a task for 25 minutes straight with a break promised right after. Google it.
I need to stop daydreaming and start doing. I’m a perfectionist and sometimes it gets hard to start a project until I know everything will be perfect but, I’ve began to learn to strive for progress instead of perfection. Just starting the task without seeing the ending has been extremely freeing. I’m getting a ton more work done on a daily basis (like this blog) and I feel really good about myself.
People always remember how you made them feel, not what you said necessarily. Doing things just for myself turned out to offer only short term satisfaction whereas being loving and caring has been returned in dividends. It’s always about me and my feelings with BPD and its been taking a toll on my loved ones. When I feel bad, I want the other person to make me feel better, regardless of how they’re feeling in the moment. Logically I know this is unfair but emotionally I feel wrecked. This is a hard one to work on for me because in the moment, it’s as if I have selfish tunnel vision.
It can be scary, making a big change. Whether it’s about work or school – I shouldn’t avoid change because I don’t know the future. As much as I wish I could know what happens next, that’s not how it works and I know and have accepted it. I have to weigh the pros and cons and make calculated decisions instead of making no decisions at all.
Micromanaging My Life
I’ve learned that sometimes you just have to let life happen and relax. I take a deep breath and just take the next step forward; even though I don’t necessarily know where I’ll end up. I’ve realized in hindsight, we’re always able to make the connections and it’s always 20/20. It’s never like that in the beginning and that’s OK – that’s exactly when good things happen!
Giving Up When Life Gets Hard
Getting to that glorious moment of triumph is all about the little steps, actions and decisions I make along the way. If one thing doesn’t work – try another. I can’t be disheartened on the first sign of failure and just give up – I just have to try another way while learning what I can from my failure.
Be strong enough to stand up for what I deserve yet wise enough to let go. Sometimes, I might not see my potential and all that I’m capable of but I have to learn to see my strengths. When I’m clouded, I’m unable to see all the possibilities in front of me with a clear vision. Just. Don’t. Settle.
These are just a few of things of I’m working on with BPD and my life. Simply being responsible for myself is one of the keys here and everything else seems to stem from it. It will be challenging but recognizing my challenges is the first step. Wish me luck!