I’ve been waking up at 5am everyday these past few weeks, whether I go to bed at 10pm or 2am, and it’s really annoying. The good thing is suddenly, for the first time in my life I’m a morning person; the bad thing is, it’s not by choice. I have a feeling the meds I’m on are affecting my sleep but at this point, there’s more good than bad with them so I’ve decided to just deal with it.
Anyways, today I woke up early again and by 6am, realized today was going to be a bad day. I felt irritated, anxious and restless. Right now, I feel like a loser in life – what was I doing with myself anyways? I’ve been off work since June and although I don’t really feel better with my depression, I feel like I’ve been off work for way too long and I’m feeling judged. No one is probably judging me but myself, but it’s a strong enough emotion to make me feel like I should just suck up my problems and go back.
My boyfriend and family have been very supportive in my decision to take time off work – in fact they’re encouraging me to take off more time if needed; but it’s me. I’ve never been without a job and I don’t see myself ever choosing to not to work by choice. The only thing keeping me home right now is how shit I feel but aside from that, I think about going to work everyday, although it stresses me out. I feel like, “What if i can’t hit my targets anymore?” or “What if sales is just too stressful for me?” The heavy client interaction is another part that scares me. I work on the front lines in the banking industry and if the next person I’m talking to is having a shitty day, so am I.
I just wanted to rant a bit and get a few things off my chest.
Thanks for reading.